Asshole

There is a gentleman that stayed in my hotel last night. Gentleman really isn't the word to define him, but as he is of the male persuasion, that is the word I used. Complete asshole is a better word. He was completely rude to me when he checked in...he walked in the lobby and expected me to give him a room for almost half of our regular rate, and then got pissy with me when I refused. I told him of all our amenities as I tell everyone and he says "So really you pay so much for the room and an extra $25 for a waffle in the morning." It was almost 1am and I was already tired of his bullshit, so I told him if he wanted a cheap room, I would gladly point him in the direction of the sleazy motel down the road that allows guests to pay by the hour. Needless to say, he stayed here.
And he's a royal pain all night long...calls me for every little thing when he can easily solve the problem himself if he just looked for a minute...his TV is broken, no just his battery is loose. His fridge doesn't work, no the switch isn't flipped on...stupid little things like that...finally stops calling me around 4am after changing his wake-up call 3 times.
He comes down for breakfast and has this look on his face. I'm sure you would know the look I'm talking about, we've all seen it. That "I'm better than all of you" look. He stands in the breakfast area and says "What you got to eat in this place?" Like he can't just turn around and look. There are a few other older guests sitting at the tables eating and one of them looks at him but doesn't say anything as I rattle off a list of everything we have for breakfast. He walks over, points to the coffee and says " This is where you keep your coffee?" Um....duh. It says COFFEE on it. "Where's your creamer?" ...In the glass container that says CREAMER on it...
It is when he has his back turned to me that I notice he has bird shit on his shoulder. I consider telling him about it, but I also consider the treatment he has given me for no good reason, so I decide not to.
After about 15 minutes he goes to make a waffle. He walks up to the iron and looks at it and yells across the room "So you're telling me I have to make my own breakfast?" Yes sir, you sure do. "Well how does this thing work?"
And the best thing ever happened.
The little old lady that had looked up earlier chimes in and says "Just read the damn directions. Didn't your mommy teach you how to read? Why is it so hard for people to read the damn directions these days?"
I. Died. Laughing. For real. I had to go back to the back room and continue my laughing. I couldn't help it.
Point of the story is.....don't be an asshole. Or you'll have bird shit on your shoulder and little old ladies scold you for not being able to read.