To All People Who Rent Hotel Rooms

This letter was shown to me after it was first published. I had a friend who found it on Craigslist. I wish I could take credit for this, but sadly, I can not. 

To All The People Who Rent Hotel Rooms..

Date: 2008-12-07, 8:28PM PST

I've been working at a large chain hotel for quite some time now. I have come to learn how to read you before you even set foot in my lobby. I would like to share some of the nice, weird, dirty, poor, rich, and cheating bastards I encounter on a daily basis:

1. I just want you locals to know...you aren't fooling me, or anyone else for that matter. You do realize when I ask for your ID card or Drivers license, it does show your address, and that you are in fact from the very town you are renting a room in? I guess that last time you came in with a different skanky whore, you must have forgot it was I who helped you then as well as this time, with yet, another skanky whore. I am aware that men cheat, and women do too, but at least don't be stupid enough to rent a room 3 blocks from where you live with your spouse. And, no matter how much I may be temped, you do not have to remind me that "You never saw me here, okay?" I won't tell your wife/husband that you are banging someone else, just don't fuck up my hotel room, and leave your nasty ass used condoms in the friggin bathtub, fair enough? You all think you can fool me by saying you are having remodeling done on your house, and thats why you are renting a room. Ya,right. And that girl you are with, ya know, the one with smeared eyeliner up to her eyebrows, sores on her chin and around her lips, and serious bed head, with extra grease is your wife? I doubt it, since you are driving a Mercedes and wearing a cardigan.

2. Now, I love seeing people come and visit our town and need a place to stay for the night, but if you read the sign outside of our building, you will see that IT IS NOT A FLEAMARKET. No, you cannot bargain with me for a cheaper room. IF you have AAA, or are a member of AARP, then I will gladly give you a discount. But when I say our rooms are $85 a night, I mean just that. I will not sell you the room for $50 because you are arriving late, and won't be in the room that long. You do not get another discount if you skip the "FREE BREAKFAST". Hey jackass, it's free, so eat the fucking waffles. Just because you aren't going to swim or dirty all the towels, I will not lower your rate !!! IF YOU WANT TO PAY $50 FUCKING DOLLARS FOR A ROOM,THEN GO TO MOTEL 6.

3. It never ceases to amaze me when I get those random couples who clearly admit why they are really there. The ones who say "How much for 1 hour?" Sorry, but we do not rent rooms by the hour, maybe you should try the flea infested, piss stained carpet motel behind us. They will be happy to take your money to supply their next fix. I really enjoy those of you who feel they need to tell me that they are to report back to the army base by noon tomorrow, and you need to get one more piece of ass first, but I don't really care what you do. Just keep it to yourself. I must say, you are entertaining though. And props to those few guys who manage to bring 2, yes 2, skanky whores in. Your mother must be proud. There is some anti-bacterial soap on the bathroom counter. Dont forget to wash your genitals.

4. I cannot stress enough about the parents who dont watch their kids. When you come to town to play baseball or visit family, that doesnt mean your parenting goes out the window. I know, I understand you never get to get away yourself, but come on. While you are hanging out getting drunk by the pool, or on the balcony outside your door, your kids are running down the halls and knocking on every single fucking door on their way. So, while my guests are calling at midnight because your brats woke them up by banging on their windows, you are too drunk to care. Instead, I have go outside and scan the area for little pre-puberty teens, and tell them to stop. I've even been threatened that guests would call the cops because of your kids. I love kids, but I dont understand what makes you think that it is acceptable for you to allow this. And when it is breakfast time, please monitor how much food your child puts on his/her plate. We would be able to feed all the poor in town with the food your kids waste. Seriously, have you ever used syrup in your home? It pisses me off when people (adults included) cant wait for the syrup to stop pouring BEFORE they decide to walk 20 feet to their table. Jerks.

And before I go, just a few quick notes to a few of my favorite kinds of people:

To the guy who left a big squishy turd in the jacuzzi, we thank you. It made our day. Now people can stop wondering why we charge desposits.

Oh yes, deposits. When you dont want to leave a credit card #, you have to pay a cash deposit. Otherwise how will we pay for someone to shampoo the carpet because you pissed on it? I assure you, the housekeepers dont really like picking up your dogs shit either.

To those 2-3 guys that have absolutly no respect for women, you make me want to spit in your coffee maker.

To the man who left his crack pipe behind, thanks, I've always wanted one.

Stop putting porn under the mattresses, its embarrassing when we forget to look, and an old elderly couple finds it.

To the drug dealers, do you think its not noticible that you have someone coming and going every 10 minutes? Yeah, now I understand why the police stop by now and then. Dont sell sex from our hotel room, dont make meth in the bath tub, and dont steal our TV's.

To the people who use our lobby hotel computer, even though you are not a guest, when we say "Free WiFi" that means for hotel paying customers. Do not check your email, do your homework, or take the online traffic school on our computer.

To the scuzzy lady who stole the entire plate of saugage, I saw you put it in your coat, I hope it gives you heartburn.

Pillows are NOT COMPLIMENTARY. You may not take them with you when you check out. The same goes for the towel's too.

When you can clearly see that you are old enough to be my father, and in some cases, grandfather, that does not mean ask me out for drinks. I am not attracted to your ear hair, age spotted hands, or Old Spice aroma. If I seem friendly, it's simply because I am being friendly. Do not take it as a sign that I want old man sex.

Last but certainly not least, to those men who hit on me while I check you into your room. Just because you are already at a hotel room, NO, I do not want to visit you in your room after I get off work. No I do not want to teach you how to make a bubble bath, or check to see if your mattress is springy enough. I am working, I am there for a pay check, and to smile and be as nice as I can possibly be. But after you harrass me in the elevator, in the parking lot, in the lobby, at the pool, near the candy machine, I will start to give you dirty looks and might not be so friendly anymore. I DO NOT want to have sex with you.

I never expect tips when I bring you extra pillows or towels, but I want to shout out that I appreciate those of you who do tip at hotels. I spend hours walking to over a hundred rooms to show people how to turn on the A/C or heater, bring pillows, towels, extra shampoo, ashtrays, and it's always a nice surprise when I get passed a couple bucks. Especially when I have to clean up after you in the breakfast room, because you could not throw away your plate of chewed up then spit out sausage. This is not a restaurant and it is self serve, so maybe you should self serve your garbage to the trash can, and I will just wipe the table clean for the next person. I am there to make sure there is fresh coffee, batter for the waffles, and the milk is cold, not to clean up after your 5 kids who cant pour a glass of orange juice without spilling one entire cup on the floor. Seriously, if they cant pour a glass of juice, then just maybe...you should do it for them?

Thanks, and have a great day!!