This butter's melted!!!

This post is just for you, Mr. Blue.

Because apparently, butter is not supposed to melt when put in a microwave.

'Cause I don't even know this girl....

It's 2:44 am....
This *lovely* couple just checks in...
Paid cash.
Well, with cash payments, I'm required to take a deposit...
So he's scrounging in his pockets, a $5 here, $10 there..getting together all the cash to pay for the room..
He gives me all the money, I give him his key..they go to the room..
He comes back in the front door a few minutes later and says, "I can get my deposit back in the morning right? Cause I don't even know this girl, and I kinda need that money. I know that sounds kind of creepy, but I really don't want her to take me home...I just don't want her knowing where I live."
All I can do is laugh...lol

Hotel Virginity

Hi kids!

This weekend has been soooo boring...it was homecoming weekend here, and every year the high school also has their 50th reunion, so the city is overrun with people that graduated high school in 1962...it was lovely. There was also a wedding party here this weekend, so aside from the bride going a little crazy Saturday morning (which is to be expected) and a little old guy asking EVERYONE that walked in the lobby during breakfast if they wanted him to make a waffle, it was fairly quiet.
Oh, there was a guy that was passed out on the stairs when I came in Friday night. Face down, snoring away..he had been talking to his girlfriend and fell asleep..lol

So, I decided that since there wasn't much going on this weekend (however there still is tonight to go yet, so I may find something later) I thought I would pull a story out of my big bag o tricks and share it with you.
Now, I'm sure you see the title of this and get all interested in a dirty way. Stop. This is about my first day on the job. Why I kept it after this, I'll never know. I'm glad I did, or I wouldn't be able to bring you all these lovely stories.
4 1/2 years ago when I started in hotels, there were 6 of them in this little town. I started working at the "best" one there was. When I say best, I mean most expensive, all rooms are suites, biggest, cleanest, "best" hotel. I applied one day and was told to show up at 8am the next morning, where I received a crash course on hotels and was left to myself. It was mid May, so the college kids were moved out, and the ones that were still here in town were running all over being jackasses. Because apparently that's the appropriate thing to do when you stay in your college town over the summer...Who'da thunk it?
There were 2 housekeepers there when I started that I remember well. The first was Jennifer. She must have weighed 90 pounds dripping wet. I honestly think my thigh was as big as her waist. She was sooooooo little. The other was Marsha. She was just an all around sweetheart. The hotel had 3 jacuzzi suites..one that was the size of 2 of the regular suites, and therefore it was dubbed the "honeymoon suite". Some kids had rented it out the night before my first day of work and had thrown a party.
I can't remember exactly what it was they said when they opened the door to this room, but it was something to the effect of  "holy mother of god" and "I'm not touching this room" which of course piqued the interest of the rest of the housekeepers and myself. I was the closest, so I grabbed the phone and headed down the hall.
I gagged. Seriously guys, gagged. And it only got worse. The jacuzzi was full of beer. Or piss. We never really did clarify which one it was, however considering the rest of the room, we were leaning more and more towards piss. Beer bottles scattered across the room, most of them with cigarette butts in them (and mind you, this is a 100% non smoking hotel, back before everything was non-smoking). Someone had bled on the bed....a lot. However what was the most disturbing, even more than the jacuzzi, was the fact that there were 14...yes, FOURTEEN...used condoms stuck to the wall....upside down...so the contents had leaked out and were dripping down the wall.
The phone number they gave upon check in was bogus...the credit card used was a prepaid...we were stuck with this filthy room and no way to charge damage fees... The sad thing about this whole situation is it was cleaned and then rented out again that night...to someone that was looking for a "romantic getaway" in the crap town we live in...all that was done was the bedding changed, jacuzzi bleached, and walls bleached...and then normal room cleanup..
I still cringe when I think about it. There have only been 2 things that have come close to topping that on the gross scale, but those are different stories for different times.
On that note, I'll end this!!

While I'm at it...

While I'm at it tonight...

I got a phone call this morning from a gentleman wanting to make a reservation for a room tonight. He asked me the rate and when I told him he says, "Really? That high? On a Sunday night? But you're empty on Sunday night. Are you sure that's your rate? Maybe you should check again."
Well gee, let me check...Oh no, I have a rate special in here just for you...
"Well I was thinking something more like $50."
Sorry sir, a rate like that will cause me to lose my job. And you are now an asshole for expecting me to give you special treatment and get a rate that is ridiculously low for the area.
Boys and girls, when you're looking for a hotel in a small town such as this one, there are a few things to keep in mind...Yes, we may be empty, but we are not going to give you a room for less than half the going rate simply because of that. That means that really, we're paying money for you to stay here. There is a cost to running a hotel, and at this particular one, we need to rent 11 rooms at full price just to break even for a day. Eleven. There are only 39 rooms here. And please believe that there are nights that the 11 doesn't even happen. Tonight there are 12. Most of them are not at a full rate.
ANYWAY...while it is very possible for some of the bigger hotels in bigger areas to go down drastically (I've heard stories of people getting $500 rooms for less than $100) that just doesn't happen here. If you're nice and work with me, I can go down $10. Period.
"Well I know your hotel isn't worth that much."
Okay, I get it. You don't want to pay for a clean, comfortable room. Fine. Go to the hotel that is across town. You'll have mold in your bathroom. OR you can go the hotel that allows you to pay by the hour. Please, feel free to enjoy the bugs that are there. You get what you pay for boys and girls. Yes, there is always a chance that a housekeeper will miss something. They're humans. Not machines. People make mistakes. And please believe that if a person continues to make mistakes, they find themselves looking for another place of employment, but everyone is given a chance.
I keep getting side tracked....too much coffee..
You don't go into a store and start to haggle prices on their products. It's ridiculous to try to haggle prices in a hotel.

Asshole

There is a gentleman that stayed in my hotel last night. Gentleman really isn't the word to define him, but as he is of the male persuasion, that is the word I used. Complete asshole is a better word. He was completely rude to me when he checked in...he walked in the lobby and expected me to give him a room for almost half of our regular rate, and then got pissy with me when I refused. I told him of all our amenities as I tell everyone and he says "So really you pay so much for the room and an extra $25 for a waffle in the morning." It was almost 1am and I was already tired of his bullshit, so I told him if he wanted a cheap room, I would gladly point him in the direction of the sleazy motel down the road that allows guests to pay by the hour. Needless to say, he stayed here.
And he's a royal pain all night long...calls me for every little thing when he can easily solve the problem himself if he just looked for a minute...his TV is broken, no just his battery is loose. His fridge doesn't work, no the switch isn't flipped on...stupid little things like that...finally stops calling me around 4am after changing his wake-up call 3 times.
He comes down for breakfast and has this look on his face. I'm sure you would know the look I'm talking about, we've all seen it. That "I'm better than all of you" look. He stands in the breakfast area and says "What you got to eat in this place?" Like he can't just turn around and look. There are a few other older guests sitting at the tables eating and one of them looks at him but doesn't say anything as I rattle off a list of everything we have for breakfast. He walks over, points to the coffee and says " This is where you keep your coffee?" Um....duh. It says COFFEE on it. "Where's your creamer?" ...In the glass container that says CREAMER on it...
It is when he has his back turned to me that I notice he has bird shit on his shoulder. I consider telling him about it, but I also consider the treatment he has given me for no good reason, so I decide not to.
After about 15 minutes he goes to make a waffle. He walks up to the iron and looks at it and yells across the room "So you're telling me I have to make my own breakfast?" Yes sir, you sure do. "Well how does this thing work?"
And the best thing ever happened.
The little old lady that had looked up earlier chimes in and says "Just read the damn directions. Didn't your mommy teach you how to read? Why is it so hard for people to read the damn directions these days?"
I. Died. Laughing. For real. I had to go back to the back room and continue my laughing. I couldn't help it.
Point of the story is.....don't be an asshole. Or you'll have bird shit on your shoulder and little old ladies scold you for not being able to read.

How Your Hotel Key Cards Work

This post is not really anything special. It's a peeve of mine that I've had for as long as I've worked in the hotel business. I deal with it at least twice a month now, and I consider that a lot since I only work on average 12 days a month.

The problem::

"All my personal information is on my key card"

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I am writing this post to inform you that this is 100% completely and utterly false. As previously stated, I have worked in hotels for 4 years now. That gives me a bit of experience with the situation, wouldn't you think? 

Apparently not. According to the woman that just stormed out of my lobby, I know nothing about what I'm talking about. She's been in her business and travelling for years and has never left her key behind because of that exact fact. I explained to her that it could be possible that some of the HIGH end hotels would put some sort of information on the keys to put a note in that the person needed to be charged for something, IE if a hotel were to use their keys for vending machines or access to certain "exclusive" features the hotel offers, but never the customers actual information. She then told me that I needed to quit lying to her face and I needed to keep my mouth shut unless I know anything and stormed out, throwing her key at me. 

She could have taken the key. I don't care. It would cost a fraction of a penny to replace. What gets me is the simple fact that most people never believe the person that works AT the hotel, but their friend who heard from a friend that they had a friend whose identity was stolen because of a hotel card. 

Still think I'm lying about it? Ok, that's fine. You want facts. Snopes.com has reported that this rumor started back in 2003 when a detective in California overheard a conversation between an investigator and another fraud detective and it was mentioned that it could be possible to put this sort of information on a hotel key card. This detective then went around telling other detectives about the situation, trying to give them a "heads up" and well, I'm sure you are all familiar with the children's game "Telephone". I really think that's what happened. There were emails sent out about it, I don't know the origins. Not good enough? Here's another link from computerworld.com with a 4 page article on the topic. 

Here's how the hotel keys really work. They used to be actual keys, with the number engraved on them. As you can imagine, that became expensive to replace when people lost them. Don't feel bad, it happens. It also posed more of a security risk because if you lose your key with your room number printed on it, whoever finds the key could get into your room. Scary, huh?

So hotels looked for a solution to that problem, and went electronic. They key card has a magnetic strip that can be programmed for a certain room for any number of days and deactivates at a certain time. That time in my hotel is noon. I suppose it could be different for other hotels, but I don't know for sure. The lock on the door is battery powered and encoded with the same code we put on your card. That's how you get into your room. 

The machine with your information on it (the main computer) and the machine that programs the key card are COMPLETELY different machines, about 4 feet apart on the desk, not connected in any way. Unless you count the surge protector they're both plugged in to. 

Hopefully I have made my point. I know there are many places out there that this information can be found, but it seriously annoys me when people don't bother to go looking for it and just believe everything they have heard. It slightly more than pisses me off when you stand in front of me and call me a liar because I tell you something that goes against what you have decided to blindly believe without putting any thought into finding the truth on your own. I suppose all I can do is put the information out there and hope that people find it. 

**While I'm on this "truth finding mission" I decided to add something that is probably even more important that people know is false.. The reverse PIN panic code to be used at an ATM in case you are being forced to pull money out of your account. Putting in your PIN number backwards truly does NOT inform the police of a problem at the ATM. Currently, this type of programming doesn't even exist, however it is a good idea. 

Until next time~~

I Am A Desk Clerk

I have advanced degrees in accounting, public relations, marketing, 
business, computer science, civil engineering, and Swahili.


Of course, I have your reservation that you booked six years ago, 
even though you don't have a confirmation number, and you think 
it was made under a last name that started with  "X".


It is not a problem for me to give you seven connecting, nonsmoking, 
poolside suites with two king beds each, and four rollaways, and YES, 
I can install a wet bar. I know it is my fault that we do not have a helicopter 
landing pad.


I am a front desk clerk. I am expected to speak ALL languages. It is obvious 
that when you booked your reservation for Friday, you really meant Saturday. 
my company has entrusted me with all financial information and decisions,
and yet, I can't tell you why your bill for March of 1989 contained a 25 cent phone 
charge because, obviously, you never pay for phone calls.


I understand that McGillioutry's Widget Manufacturing is a vast empire that will make
or break our hotel. Yes, I am lying when I say we have no rooms available. 
It is not a problem for me to quickly construct several more guest rooms. This time, I 
will not forget the helicopter landing pad!


I am a front desk clerk. I am quite capable of checking  three people in, two people out, 
taking five reservations, answering fifteen incoming phone calls, and plunging the toilet 
in room 226; all at the same time.


I always know where to find the best vegetarian, kosher, Mongolian barbecue restaurant. 
I know exactly what to see and do in the city in fifteen minutes, without spending any money.
I take personal blame for airline food, traffic jams, rental car problems, the location of our hotel,
and the national economy. I realize you meant to book your reservation here, people often
confuse us with the Galaxy Delight Motel of Antartica. Of course, I can "fit you in", and yes,
you may have that special one dollar rate because you are affiliated with the Hoboken
Accounting and Bagel Club.


I am expected to smile, empathize, sympathize, console, upsell, downsell
(and know when to do which), perform, sing, dance, and fix the printer.

I am a front desk clerk, I do all things...and still try to look busy when management is around.

To All People Who Rent Hotel Rooms

This letter was shown to me after it was first published. I had a friend who found it on Craigslist. I wish I could take credit for this, but sadly, I can not. 

To All The People Who Rent Hotel Rooms..

Date: 2008-12-07, 8:28PM PST

I've been working at a large chain hotel for quite some time now. I have come to learn how to read you before you even set foot in my lobby. I would like to share some of the nice, weird, dirty, poor, rich, and cheating bastards I encounter on a daily basis:

1. I just want you locals to know...you aren't fooling me, or anyone else for that matter. You do realize when I ask for your ID card or Drivers license, it does show your address, and that you are in fact from the very town you are renting a room in? I guess that last time you came in with a different skanky whore, you must have forgot it was I who helped you then as well as this time, with yet, another skanky whore. I am aware that men cheat, and women do too, but at least don't be stupid enough to rent a room 3 blocks from where you live with your spouse. And, no matter how much I may be temped, you do not have to remind me that "You never saw me here, okay?" I won't tell your wife/husband that you are banging someone else, just don't fuck up my hotel room, and leave your nasty ass used condoms in the friggin bathtub, fair enough? You all think you can fool me by saying you are having remodeling done on your house, and thats why you are renting a room. Ya,right. And that girl you are with, ya know, the one with smeared eyeliner up to her eyebrows, sores on her chin and around her lips, and serious bed head, with extra grease is your wife? I doubt it, since you are driving a Mercedes and wearing a cardigan.

2. Now, I love seeing people come and visit our town and need a place to stay for the night, but if you read the sign outside of our building, you will see that IT IS NOT A FLEAMARKET. No, you cannot bargain with me for a cheaper room. IF you have AAA, or are a member of AARP, then I will gladly give you a discount. But when I say our rooms are $85 a night, I mean just that. I will not sell you the room for $50 because you are arriving late, and won't be in the room that long. You do not get another discount if you skip the "FREE BREAKFAST". Hey jackass, it's free, so eat the fucking waffles. Just because you aren't going to swim or dirty all the towels, I will not lower your rate !!! IF YOU WANT TO PAY $50 FUCKING DOLLARS FOR A ROOM,THEN GO TO MOTEL 6.

3. It never ceases to amaze me when I get those random couples who clearly admit why they are really there. The ones who say "How much for 1 hour?" Sorry, but we do not rent rooms by the hour, maybe you should try the flea infested, piss stained carpet motel behind us. They will be happy to take your money to supply their next fix. I really enjoy those of you who feel they need to tell me that they are to report back to the army base by noon tomorrow, and you need to get one more piece of ass first, but I don't really care what you do. Just keep it to yourself. I must say, you are entertaining though. And props to those few guys who manage to bring 2, yes 2, skanky whores in. Your mother must be proud. There is some anti-bacterial soap on the bathroom counter. Dont forget to wash your genitals.

4. I cannot stress enough about the parents who dont watch their kids. When you come to town to play baseball or visit family, that doesnt mean your parenting goes out the window. I know, I understand you never get to get away yourself, but come on. While you are hanging out getting drunk by the pool, or on the balcony outside your door, your kids are running down the halls and knocking on every single fucking door on their way. So, while my guests are calling at midnight because your brats woke them up by banging on their windows, you are too drunk to care. Instead, I have go outside and scan the area for little pre-puberty teens, and tell them to stop. I've even been threatened that guests would call the cops because of your kids. I love kids, but I dont understand what makes you think that it is acceptable for you to allow this. And when it is breakfast time, please monitor how much food your child puts on his/her plate. We would be able to feed all the poor in town with the food your kids waste. Seriously, have you ever used syrup in your home? It pisses me off when people (adults included) cant wait for the syrup to stop pouring BEFORE they decide to walk 20 feet to their table. Jerks.

And before I go, just a few quick notes to a few of my favorite kinds of people:

To the guy who left a big squishy turd in the jacuzzi, we thank you. It made our day. Now people can stop wondering why we charge desposits.

Oh yes, deposits. When you dont want to leave a credit card #, you have to pay a cash deposit. Otherwise how will we pay for someone to shampoo the carpet because you pissed on it? I assure you, the housekeepers dont really like picking up your dogs shit either.

To those 2-3 guys that have absolutly no respect for women, you make me want to spit in your coffee maker.

To the man who left his crack pipe behind, thanks, I've always wanted one.

Stop putting porn under the mattresses, its embarrassing when we forget to look, and an old elderly couple finds it.

To the drug dealers, do you think its not noticible that you have someone coming and going every 10 minutes? Yeah, now I understand why the police stop by now and then. Dont sell sex from our hotel room, dont make meth in the bath tub, and dont steal our TV's.

To the people who use our lobby hotel computer, even though you are not a guest, when we say "Free WiFi" that means for hotel paying customers. Do not check your email, do your homework, or take the online traffic school on our computer.

To the scuzzy lady who stole the entire plate of saugage, I saw you put it in your coat, I hope it gives you heartburn.

Pillows are NOT COMPLIMENTARY. You may not take them with you when you check out. The same goes for the towel's too.

When you can clearly see that you are old enough to be my father, and in some cases, grandfather, that does not mean ask me out for drinks. I am not attracted to your ear hair, age spotted hands, or Old Spice aroma. If I seem friendly, it's simply because I am being friendly. Do not take it as a sign that I want old man sex.

Last but certainly not least, to those men who hit on me while I check you into your room. Just because you are already at a hotel room, NO, I do not want to visit you in your room after I get off work. No I do not want to teach you how to make a bubble bath, or check to see if your mattress is springy enough. I am working, I am there for a pay check, and to smile and be as nice as I can possibly be. But after you harrass me in the elevator, in the parking lot, in the lobby, at the pool, near the candy machine, I will start to give you dirty looks and might not be so friendly anymore. I DO NOT want to have sex with you.

I never expect tips when I bring you extra pillows or towels, but I want to shout out that I appreciate those of you who do tip at hotels. I spend hours walking to over a hundred rooms to show people how to turn on the A/C or heater, bring pillows, towels, extra shampoo, ashtrays, and it's always a nice surprise when I get passed a couple bucks. Especially when I have to clean up after you in the breakfast room, because you could not throw away your plate of chewed up then spit out sausage. This is not a restaurant and it is self serve, so maybe you should self serve your garbage to the trash can, and I will just wipe the table clean for the next person. I am there to make sure there is fresh coffee, batter for the waffles, and the milk is cold, not to clean up after your 5 kids who cant pour a glass of orange juice without spilling one entire cup on the floor. Seriously, if they cant pour a glass of juice, then just maybe...you should do it for them?

Thanks, and have a great day!!

Ho & Tellin'!

Well hello there! My name is Kati and this is my little blog. Would you like to learn a bit about me? Well alrighty then!

I'm 27, married with 2 kids, and am working my way through school at a small hotel in a small town in the middle of nowhere USA. The purpose of this blog is to share the stories of things that have happened to me while working in the hotel business because I just can't keep all the fun to myself.

Please read this, as it is the only time I will formally state it..

Many of the things you will read have the ability to lower your IQ by a couple of points.

That is my one and only disclaimer.
Also, I guess I should say that I won't be naming anyone other than myself, so I'll end up renaming every person and place unless I have permission from them to use their name...yanno, privacy and all that jazz.
Stay tuned. Awesomeness shall happen.